Episode 08: Kiss Cringe On the Mouth With Tongue
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Welcome to the Shy Girls Finish Last podcast. I'm your host, Nicole Lathen, a certified shy Black girl. I hope you’ve had a restful day. Let’s get into it!
Hey ya'll, thank you for joining me. Today, I want to talk about how embarrassing writing is! Part of writing with joy is embracing what your true, weird, nerdy little tastes are. It's exposing a part of yourself for the world to see. So yes, it's personal when people don't seem to resonate with your writing yet. And we need to understand why. This is Common Myths and Where to Find Them Part 2: Kiss Cringe On the Mouth With Tongue.
Sometimes, my mom goes through random urges to spring clean. At any point of the day, she suddenly needs help throwing away things we haven't touched in a while. It's fair, it's just taking up space. But still annoying to deal with.
We have a black cabinet where we store our overstock of hand soap refills or old high school yearbooks. It was also home to one of my final projects for a college English class, which was a portfolio of different writing assignments like essays, short stories, a play, and poems. That was one of the best classes I'd ever taken and I honestly miss it.
For once I wasn't completely shy. I wrote an unhinged poem because I was in that kind of mood and maybe freaked my classmates out. But I raised my hand, I volunteered to read my story in front of everyone. I was just excited to show my work and have people respond. And it pushed me to try it all. Try on different styles, different rules, and explore what I could do.
So when I found this portfolio tucked away in this cabinet, I had to read over my own work and laugh. I just knew it was bad. I just knew it was horrible. I just knew it was cringe. The shame I felt for being associated with this previous writing. My skill had grown so there was no way I could look back on this work and not grimace. Not flinch at the mere thought. Oh, it was horrible.
But then I read over my work. I read over what was in my mind at the time. And you know…wasn't half bad. I flipped through it completely convinced that it needed to be killed with fire so it never saw the light of day again. But the more I read, the more I found myself not cringing. Not ashamed of what came before. And I think writers have a tendency to move forward, full steam ahead, without really looking back on our work so stopping to read it over is like yuck! No one wants to do that.
Cringe is equal parts shame, pressure, nervousness, and a bit of daring. It takes guts to put pen to paper or fingers to keyboard. But it's still embarrassing in a way because you're sitting there, exposing your traumas, fears, and fantasies into these characters and worlds. Wondering if people will like it, if people will respond, or if it'll become that massive three book series you're dreaming of. Or if people will catch on to your wildest thoughts and mock you for your deepest fears. It feels shameful to shine a light on interests that others don't really find conventional. It's pressure on ourselves to deliver a good story but not really understanding how to do so.
So part of not wanting to share, not wanting to dare, is the fear of rejection. Putting your hopes and traumas into these stories and having someone reject it feels like rejecting us. It feels like putting our best foot forward only to have someone pull the rug from us. It hurts, it sucks. But it does not have to define us. As long as we stick to what we want to read, what we want to explore, you will find readers willing to read. You can't have every reader alive, but you can have those who are interested in what you're throwing down.
It's hard to find spaces where people are vocal about it because these comment sections and online spaces turn more cruel with each passing day. But take fan fiction for example. Fanfic is a perfectly valid form of writing. No one is harming anyone, it's fueled by love for a piece of media, and it brings people together. Whatever you're into, there's something there for you. Like if you're into monsters such as vampires or werewolves, there's a fic for it. If you're into Billy or Stu from Scream, there's a fic for it. There's even fics for Art the Clown from Terrifier.
And yet it constantly gets dragged through posts and comment sections for being juvenile, stupid, or not real writing. There's no such thing as "real writing", full stop. You write, you're a writer. Plain and simple. So people who do write fanfic might feel a little embarrassed but there's something to be learned from such rebels. Who create for the fun of it rather than any external reward.
Fanfic lets you explore your interests using established characters. In a similar way, original writing starts and ends with a fun "what if" idea you came up with. The point is the fun. You should be having fun when you're writing. Because if you're having fun, then the reader will have fun. It is that simple and that hard.
So since I love my writing, however cringe and silly, I'll share one of the poems I found with you. It's called "My Stupid Love Poem".
Here's my supid love poem, filled with lollipops and candy, and everything sweet.
Rainbows and kittens and everything nice, kisses galore and hugs and roses
Warm sentiments and hot chocolate, snuggling under the blankets and watching TV.
Of love and being loved, of going out to dinner and making everyone jealous
Proposing and flying, or soaring through the sky.
Here's my stupid love poem, the one required of me to write. Isn't this what real poets do?
Throw up their mushy, sugary feelings all over a page, spreading for the world to hear, hoping their hearts will melt?
And it's always about losing someone and how tragic it must be, that their hearts were so full of love with no one to give it to, that they have the right words, the language of love but no one to hear it.
If they should die a lonely death, they'll go out swinging, because it's better to have loved than not at all.
Here's my stupid love poem, that't not filled with sugar, spice, and everything nice.
It's not full of longing and torturous unrequited feelings. I won't sing about candy canes and teddy bears or balloons and eating the same spaghetti noodle.
It's not about how long I've cried or how the sunsets with pretty colors melts my frozen heart.
It won't be about how someone takes my breath away and I can't tell you about riddles and picnics and strawberries, or about the color red or pretty pink.
It's not about moonlit runs on the beach, pina coladas, or getting caught in the rain or wondering if I ever cross someone's mind.
Here's my stupid love poem where I say, hey I like you. Let's go play Assassin's Creed.
And scene.
Who hurt me, seriously. Like why was I so angsty as a young adult! If you told me I'd share this poem on a podcast way back then, I would've laughed so hard I cried. Now, I appreciate the vibe I was trying to go for and recognize areas where I could work on it. I'll re-write the poem from my level of skill and experiences now and see how I stack up. That'll be a fun little challenge for me.
The level of skill I have now gives me the critical eye to know what's good and what I can cut out of the poem. And that critical eye is called discernment.
Discernment is a powerful tool in a writer's belt and as long as you do the work, as long as you push yourself, you will develop that discernment. Your brain will be able to make snap decisions in the heat of the moment. You'll be able to identify which areas need work and which area is perfect. It's not going to happen over night. But it will happen as long as you do the work.
I never would have gotten to this point in my journey if I didn't stop shaming myself for my old writing. Much like learning from other writers, you have to learn from yourself too. You have to re-read your work. You have to love your writing through the cringe. Through the typos, the paragraphs that don't fit, or through the plot holes.
No one ever told me that loving my writing came first. And if no one told you, then I'm happy to help. That's how you grow as a writer. You write things you find fun so when you read it over, it makes you excited to keep going. I will talk later about the concept of the Tragic Writer, but for now, there's this stereotype that writers have to suffer in order for their writing to be good. That's just absolutely false.
While great writing does require you to dig deep, shine a light on your soul, and convey it in a way for others to feel seen, it is at it's heart meant to be fun. And fun looks different on every body. I happen to find stories about soft Black women getting their backs blown out by fine Black men extremely fun. That doesn't mean urban stories with more dominant women are bad or shouldn't exist. Or fluffier, smuttier, easy to inhale books should be banned. All have a place in the world. And so does your story.
You have to love your story. If you're a writer and you're spending all of this time developing these characters, planning the plot, daydreaming about these scenes, then you have to love your story. Loving your story makes you respect your story, respect your readers, and pushes you to keep going. If you love a particular scene you pulled off, you'll want to find a better way to word it. A better way to stage it. It fuels your inspiration to keep trying and keep growing.
And no, it's not easy to get there. There is no way to snap your fingers and love your writing. But life is short, why spend it writing something you don't like?
It took me an extremely long time to like my writing. It wasn't necessarily that I thought it was horrible, but perhaps a little cringe and embarrassing. Here I am writing sex scenes, openly admitting to kinky fantasies, with everyone perceiving me. Every time I posted, it was with shaky hands and a wobbly tummy. But something magical happened. The more I wrote and posted, let myself embrace it, the more people responded and commented.
Comments kept me going, post after post, story after story, just exploring it all. Comments highlighted areas I did well in and opportunities for me to tweak and work on my skill. That's where the community aspect of writing comes in. After a certain point, you're stuck in an echo chamber not knowing what to work on. But when people comment, it pinpoints areas to work on.
Thanks to those comments, I grew to understand that I had no limit. No one in my ear telling me what to write or how to write, beating rules into my head, or telling me that this idea was cringe or this idea wouldn't sell. I had freedom. So when I went back to re-read old writing…I loved it. I love it to this day. I re-read my writing often and I still kick my feet, giggle, or fall in love with it all over again.
When you're a deep reader, when you're a mood reader, when you feel the written word physically, you can feel when an author is genuine and having fun. You can tell when they're free and unabashed about their fantasies. Why should we be? There's nothing wrong with it. People have shamed others for entirely too long, don't you think?
If you find something cringe, horrible, or gross, then it's just not for you. But don't yuck another person's yum. Finding your way to loving your writing begins with changing your mindset. When was the last time you read over your writing? When was the last time you went back to that one good idea that had you excited but you later lost steam for?
I will let you in on a tiny secret. Now remember, this is a secret, so don't go spreading it around. Whenever you finish a project, emphasis on finish, set the piece aside. In my case, when I was done with a new story, I posted it and moved on. I didn't dwell on it, I didn't read it over; I had already done all the re-reading I could do for editing. It was out of my hands now.
You need to separate yourself from the project in order to gain some objectivity. In the moment, your mind is spinning with ideas; that sharp critical eye honing in like a laser to point out flaws, plot holes, or typos. You're expecting to find errors so all you see are glaring areas to fix. But at some point, you have to let it go. You have to distance yourself, work on something completely random and new, refresh your mind, and then come back to that project after a few weeks to a few months.
Distance gives you perspective. Time to explore other interests. Time to find inspiration in other people's writing, leaving comments of your own, engaging in the community. You've had time to let your brain cook in the background while you rested. So when it comes time to look over your writing, I promise, you will start to see the beauty. The dialogue you chose starts to hit you, the professions of love make you want to cry, and the sex scenes got you fanning yourself.
It takes time. It takes practice. This will not happen overnight. Slow and steady wins the race. Take time to explore whatever it is that you like. You don't have to write about sex if you don't want to. You don't have to write about contemporary romance if you don't want to. Don't be afraid to try something new. That's the beautiful thing. You try and you work and you try some more. You are only limited by your imagination and your fear. If you don't feel a little belly flip every time you think of scenes you've written, then you're not exploring the fun often enough!
I can't speak for everyone. Some of my methods may not wholly work for you. My message is simply to try it. So far, you've tried hating your writing enough to produce something coherent. So why don't you try loving your writing for a little while? Write the idea you always thought was too dumb, too simple, too cringe, too scary. Take a peek into your heart, what story do you actually want to tell?
Eventually, slowly, you will wake up one day and realize that your old writing isn't half bad. The work you have now has only gotten stronger. You have to mark your growth however you can. Give yourself gold stars when you hit milestones or reward yourself with a little treat. It can sneak up on you but that's not what we want. We want to grow and recognize that growth. We want to get stronger. We want to get confident in our work, to stand out for our authenticity.
And that starts with kissing cringe right on the mouth with tongue. Let yourself play in that proverbial sandbox. Let your mind explore and try things you never thought possible. I never, ever thought I'd write sex scenes or explore my love for sci-fi and fantasy. And look at me now, plotting out a vampire book, throwing in every single thing I want to make it a vampire story I've always wanted to read. I highly encourage you to try.
Before we wrap up, I invite you to join me. In your journal, write down the one story you can't forget. The one you keep returning to from time to time. The one that you can't get out of your head because of that one scene. Or write that one perfect scene you're thinking of. Or write what scares you the most about exploring what you're into. Are you afraid to be perceived? To be judged? What topics or elements are you forcing yourself to write because of pressure or the need for views? I'll post the updated poem on my Instagram.
See you next time for Common Myths and Where to Find Them, Part 3: Hobbies Are Friends, Not Food. No, seriously, whatever happened to hobbies? And remember, Black girls deserve to be seen.