Episode 05: Community Blues

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Welcome to the Shy Girls Finish Last podcast. I’m Nicole Lathen, a certified shy Black girl. I hope you’ve had a restful day. Let’s get into it.

Hey ya'll, thank you for joining me. It has been a while so please, forgive me. I will stop promising to get to these episodes quicker because I don't want to be a lying liar that lies. Honestly, these past few months put me through the ringer and I had to step back and re-find myself. It became a time for me to sit down and consider what I want to prioritize and where I want to spend my energy.

A lot of the areas in my life were draining and nothing brought me any joy. And in this day and age, I need joy. I crave it. And I realized that I let so many things slip through the cracks. Including this podcast, which was never my intention.

I wanted to do this podcast justice and I knew I wanted to talk about issues in media that were important to me. But I struggled with deciding what that really looked like. Were they just rants? Was I going to hit you with nothing but facts and sources every episode? Was I screaming to the void? I didn't know. And part of that was fear. It's so hard putting myself out here like this.

But I also know that we live in a time where community gets harder and harder to find. The places that were supposed to be safe for us, or relatively safe, only got invaded by toxic trolls and unhealed people. Or straight up bullies. The internet made being mean more fun than being nice. Comment sections under posts are cesspools where everyone is free to be nasty to each other. Instead of focusing on things people liked or had in common in order to build that community to make life more bearable, toxic people invited themselves into these spaces to be chaos demons. Because mob mentalities are real and it's the only spot of attention they get in their small lives.

There are many reasons why this became popular. One of those reasons, I find, is due to the rise of social media and live tweeting. It's not a new concept, but around 2012 was when Scandal premiered, it became event TV. It became the thing that you had to watch day of because of spoilers and because everyone talked about it online or seemed to have brought back water cooler conversations, which means pausing work for a mini break and discussing what you watched. It grew so popular, that the stars themselves would tweet during the show and share their observations or excitement over plot twists and subject matter with fans. It brought celebrities closer to their fans.

Though it started innocent, there were those that hated Scandal. Or found that they could use the same model, watching and live tweeting, and then later turned it into hate-watching. Hate-watching is the phenomenon where you watch a piece of media for the sole purpose of mocking it. You get joy from mocking it because it's so terrible. But all it did was make it okay to be nasty. People are free to watch what they want and say what they want. That isn't my point. My point is that social media created a way for everyone to say something, have people agree, and discuss media at faster rates. We no longer had to wait for breaks at work. The discussions could be done at the tap of a finger.

I belong to multiple fandoms and the amount of times I've had to roll my eyes and scroll is atrocious honestly. Because why are these comment sections filled with people who hate whatever piece of media it is? Don't get me wrong, I love to complain. And I love to complain about things that I watch. I do that by sharing my opinion, inviting people to disagree, and me critiquing that piece of media with them but at it's core, it's out of love. When I truly hate something, me personally, I don't spend time on things I hate. I don't have time as is but if I do end up discussing something I hate, I do that away from fan spaces. Fan spaces are for finding like-minded individuals and celebrating our love for whatever piece of media it is.

But Covid happened. And though bullies in the comment sections are nothing new, I feel like bullies entered these fandom spaces specifically and ruined it for everyone because without a target audience, they had to sit with themselves. And they didn't like it.

Instead of working on that fact, they turned their hatred online towards an already vulnerable group that finds solace in community and in fandom. Finding genuine connection is rare when you have to wade through the bullies first. But…bullies beget other bullies. Because it's "cool" to collectively hate on people having fun.

Bullies will band with other bullies and torment people to the point where they don't want to engage anymore. And all that's left is an echo chamber of bullies who have to constantly heat seek their next target. They never stop. They never realize the impact of their actions because no one is doing it to them. And all that leaves is people like me who are over it.

Though I found a writing community, it stopped being a community these past few months. I grew so tired of trying to engage with a mini society that ultimately doesn't want that anymore. That has normalized being nasty for the sake of it and I don't thrive in that sort of environment. The world is crappy enough as is. The world sucks enough as is. The news gets worse day by day. And I didn't know how I fit into that.

How do I find my community? How do I find people like me who just want to be nerdy and celebrate pop culture and find some fun in between our day jobs? How do I find that on any of these sites where the bullies are protected and everyone would rather be nasty? I didn't know the answer. I didn't know how to get that answer or how to ask the questions I had. And that lead to laziness and procrastination. And giving in to fear.

I reached out and talked to many friends who helped me see things in a clearer way. I journaled and prayed on it. And well, it's clear I can't find my community anywhere or on any platform. So I'll have to build it myself. And hope I find some like-minded individuals. Ones who understand that there's light in the world and there's joy. Who focus on the positive despite the hellscape we've found ourselves in. And though this podcast makes me nervous, it also brings me absolute joy to talk about these things. I'm combining my love for deeper reflection, media analysis, and celebrating Black folk.

I had to take time to find what I want to accomplish with this podcast. I had to figure out what I wanted to say, what I wanted to talk about, and what that perfect community looks like. My goal for this podcast wasn't to be super educational. I didn't want to spit out dozens of facts and send you on your merry way. I didn't want to be stiff and robotic. I didn't want people only hearing part of my message because of something minor I said in the episode.

I want a conversation. I want to think about these topics on a larger scale, with examples from media, and really dive into these things. Really talk about it. I'm no historian and I don't want people fact checking me at the exclusion of what my message actually is. This has always remained an opinion and observation blog that I just hope sparks some curiosity.

Since I've lost my community, I want to build something positive in the world. Somewhere I actually belong. I know there's others like me out there who have felt rejected by communities that should embrace us, who are on the outside looking in, who want to find a place to belong but you're just not sure what that looks like. And whether you're here to learn how to get started, want to discuss media, or are already on your writing journey and want to get better, welcome! I'm so glad you're here.

While I still want to talk about important issues in media and will have plenty of rants, I also want to treat this as a record of things I wish I knew when I got started on my writer's journey. Things I should have learned in school with art programs. Things that I had to learn by fire and prayed I knew what I was doing. But let me be clear, this is not a how-to guide. I can't write for you. But I can help you build a foundation. I can help you believe in your writing and expand on this craft we all enjoy. If I had to sum it up: get in the car, beautiful, we're learning how to enjoy our writing and build our writer's confidence.

I won't sugar coat it, writing is hard. It is a craft and has to be treated and respected as such. There's so many articles out there that try to dive into the messy and complicated world of it, but I haven't really seen anyone dive into the community of it all. Writing is not supposed to be lonely. It's not supposed to hurt. It's not supposed to make you question your skill, your talent, your calling, or your self worth. Writing is hard but it is so fun and fulfilling to craft a world, share that world, and have people respond to it. That's how it should be.

Writing is an art. It is part of our DNA. It cannot be rushed, or generated, or treated like just anyone can do it. It takes an incredibly brave and committed person to crack open their hearts for readers to enjoy. Media really went downhill when the focus shifted from an art and a craft to a capitalist infinity maze. It made everyone believe that writing was so easy a computer could do it.

Taking the arts out of schools has robbed us of so much more than we realize. It robbed us of learning basic skills like critical thinking and reading comprehension, discipline, collaboration, taking constructive criticism without taking it personally, and so much more. Nothing is supposed to be taken at face value. Everything is to be questioned.

The Europeans used to have events called salons, where the literati and glitterati came together to discuss art, poetry, music, politics, or whatever. The goal was to share and challenge ideas. That's what modern day comment sections are supposed to be. That's what review sections are for. Not bashing others for having a different opinion. If your opinion can't be challenged, then why do you have that opinion to begin with?

This will be a mix of many things. And you will not hurt my feelings if you hop off the train here. I hope you find what you need on your journey. But if you're still here, then this is for the rejected, the outcasts, the empaths, the weary, the unsatisfied, the perfectionists, the introverts, the dreamers, and the lovers. If you haven't fit in anywhere else, then maybe you'll fit in here. And maybe we can build that community together.

Switching topics, forgive me ya'll. I had this whole mini-series planned out where I went over the idea of Blackness. But since so much time has passed, so has my interests. I still believe in my message that if a Black person tells you how they engage in their Blackness, just…accept it. You are not the ruler nor end all and be all of Blackness. Listen to Black people before inserting your opinion where it does not belong. It's a construct. It's a fact of life. It's something we all carry whether we want to or not. And no one has the right to put a label on someone based on arbitrary rules.

Nor should we exclude anyone because they act or behave a different way than what we're used to. We shouldn't be calling each other slaves, or mocking Black people who can't dance, or listening to hoteps who treat Blackness like a performance. There's nuance to Black people that's indescribable but a beauty to behold and be a part of. And we need to gatekeep it like other races do with their culture.

I'm here to say that we don't have to let them win. There is a future, a very near future, where we will see more Black stories featuring Black folk doing Black folk things. Where we don't have to suffer through poor characterization, limited screen time, or harmful stereotypes. I know this is true, because you're here. Listening to this podcast. Consider this the first step on your journey.

Before we wrap up, I invite you to join me. Right now. If I can do it, then you can too. Grab a journal, grab a notebook, or a sticky note. Spend some time writing down your goals for your writing. What do you hope to accomplish? Do you want to build discipline? Do you want to learn how to recognize your author voice? What kind of community do you want to engage with? I will post my answer on my Instagram.

Now we return to our regularly scheduled programming. See you next time for "Writing is a Journey, So Bring Snacks." I call shotgun! And remember, Black girls deserve to be seen.

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